Forgiveness That Sets You Free

Forgiveness promises freedom, but what if your chest still burns after you say the words? We open up about the messy middle—when the mind remembers and the heart wants justice—while searching for a way to heal that doesn’t deny the harm or invite it back in. Through raw stories of father-daughter tension, broken trust, and long waits for apologies that may never come, we trace how resentment grows and how it finally loosens its grip.

We dig into the difference between forgiving, forgetting, and reconciling, and why your peace doesn’t depend on someone else’s change. You’ll hear how self-forgiveness becomes the hinge for everything else, turning shame into growth and giving you language to stop replaying the past. We talk boundaries that hold, practical resets to renew your mind, and the strange tension between our craving for punishment and the mercy we all need. Whether you root your healing in faith, therapy, or both, you’ll find tools to release blame without losing wisdom.

Expect clear takeaways you can use today: forgive to protect your health, not to excuse harm; remember without rehearsing; set access based on behavior, not history. We share how prayer, counseling, and honest community help you name the wound, calm the body, and let go of the role of judge. If “forgive but don’t forget” has ever sounded hollow, this conversation reframes it as transforming memory into guidance instead of a weapon.

If this resonates, follow the show, share it with a friend who’s carrying something heavy, and leave a review with the one boundary you’re setting this week. Your story might be the spark someone else needs to finally let go.

Transcript

Welcome And Today’s Focus

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Welcome to the You Gotta Do Better Podcast presented by your two favorite hosts, Maya Jordan and Lady MJ. This podcast will deliver hard conversations, evolving relationships, and different perspectives between a Gen X and a Gen Z.

SPEAKER_01 0:21

Welcome to the You Gotta Do Better Podcast. I'm Maya Jordan. I'm Lady MJ.

What Forgiveness Feels Like After

SPEAKER_01 0:26

And today we'll be talking about freedom through forgiveness. So I have a question for you. When the last time you forgave someone but still felt pain or anger after forgiving them? Yesterday. Yesterday. Yeah. Okay. And I wasn't expecting you to say. Yeah, I gotcha.

SPEAKER_00 0:58

You thought I was gonna say back way. But that's the thing about forgiveness. What? Because we supposed to continuously forgive one another. So you know, sometimes it may be easily and then sometimes it's not that a person may offend you, but uh the word says that we have to forgive them. 70 times 77. Oh, look at you. So I mean, I said yesterday, but that's for one per person. That's a lot. That's a lot. But hey, who are we to judge or say I can't forgive, I won't. But like you said, a lot of times it's not it. Sometimes we say, oh, it depends on what happened or what they did to me. You know? And that's why we want to talk about those hard topics where ow, you stuck on my toe. You alright, girl, I forget you. Compare it to you cut my throat. You I can't breathe. You hurt me so bad.

SPEAKER_01 2:00

Yeah, I cut my bad.

SPEAKER_00 2:02

Yes, that you betrayed me, you lied to me, you cheated on me. You know, all these the the evil, the hurtful things that really grasp your soul. Yeah. That's that's where that forgiveness that that's very hard to deal with or even to understand, that's what we want to be set free from. For sure.

SPEAKER_01 2:25

I would say

Hurt From Deep Betrayals

SPEAKER_01 2:26

mine's was mine's wasn't recently. I can't recall the years. I don't know. Probably I would say two to three years ago. Two two years ago, I would say.

A Daughter And Her Father

SPEAKER_01 2:41

Was with me and my father. Um, our relationship wasn't the best growing up. Um, eventually I had to learn how to forgive him for what he did. And and through that, I had to understand that he is human as well. Because mine's my my grudge against him was like, you you're a father. Like, how you don't know what areas in your life he messed up in that affected me, or how like basically I don't understand where you went wrong.

SPEAKER_00 3:14

Oh, okay. So you at your point of view, you felt as if you're a father, you're a dad, you should know. Yeah. You're an you're an adult, you're older, you grown. So how you do not know how your your actions affected my life.

SPEAKER_01 3:31

Yeah. So that's where my I would say a grudge or what I hope held against him went. And that led into me not even want to talk to him or be around him. And from then I had to actually, because it's not that I didn't want to be around him, it's that what he did, I didn't want it to be around me. And but at the same time, it's like I have a father, I would like to build a relationship with my father, because I have one with my mom. And being around other people that's like, if you don't think about it, like you ain't like you don't really like think to other people like they got a good relationship with their dad or their dad. Like, it ain't like I was around people that's like, I'm with my father all the time. That made me like, yeah, I need to go over there and talk to him. So that even with that, that made the grudge or the unforgiveness. Or the resentment. The resentment build up, build up, build up, build up. And the anger and the hate at him build up, build up, build up. And then eventually I had to realize, well, what's gonna help me to like even want to talk to him? And it started with forgiveness and forgiving myself first.

SPEAKER_00 4:47

Yeah, yeah. And the thing is, is that when when it comes to someone that's close, because that's where it hurts at, you know, when we're someone has offended us that's close to us, someone that we love, that that goes deep within because nine out of ten, those people can can really scar us. Like how you said, based on what he did not do, it affected you, you know.

Owning Healing Before Blame

SPEAKER_00 5:15

So I think with forgiveness, we have to start, a lot of times it's easy for me to point the finger and say, hey, for sure, you know, you are the reason because of this, or you the reason because of that. You know, if I think back uh in my childhood, I can easily say that about my father. I was like, wow, then that it it resembles some of the things that the traged tragedies that I faced when it came to my my dad, me and my dad. But thank God our relationship is so much better. So I know eventually you and your dad relationship will get better. You know, we just trust and believe in God, but a lot of times it's easy for us to point the finger, not even point the finger, just say putting them to blame. But then like how you said, it was like time for your healing to say, let me see what's going on with me. Because we know what forgiveness is not,

Childlike Letting Go

SPEAKER_00 6:12

you know?

SPEAKER_01 6:12

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 6:13

Um did we do we give a definition of uh forgiveness?

SPEAKER_01 6:18

No, I I hope we know what forgiveness is. We learned how to forgive when we were young, but I think the part that we didn't learn is how to heal or oh yeah, accept.

SPEAKER_00 6:30

No, what was your example? What was your example your parents taught you when you're supposed to forgive somebody?

SPEAKER_01 6:37

What example y'all taught me?

SPEAKER_00 6:43

Go hug. You don't remember none of that? Oh yeah. Go go hug your brother.

SPEAKER_01 6:48

I don't even like hugging to this day. These kids. Go hug. You make us hug each other. I'm sorry. Yes.

SPEAKER_00 6:57

But were you but did you forgive your their sibling at that time?

SPEAKER_01 7:02

Yeah. Oh, you did. Because it's like I ain't remember the next day. So it means I forgave. Because when God forgives, he forgets about it.

SPEAKER_00 7:11

So you see how we as children you be upset and you you so upset you crying and you just so disturbed, but you're not gonna be.

SPEAKER_01 7:19

You know, that's funny because when I was teaching them kids, I'm like, how you yesterday they just ate your food. Now you playing with them.

SPEAKER_00 7:25

Come on, friend. Come on, friend. I ain't on it, but that's what being childlike is, probably. Well, that's what the words say, don't it? We got to go in as a babe, be like a like like-minded and in those type of ways where they don't hold it. Yeah. Y'all be best friends the next day, or not even the next day. A couple of hours later, they right back playing and talking to each other. It's when we start lifeing.

Justice, Punishment, And Mercy

SPEAKER_00 7:51

That's when we wanna hold it, hold on to it.

SPEAKER_01 7:55

Or we wanna say because it's basically us wanting our own justice. We want our own justice, we want you to be punished. Yep. So us desiring that makes us feel like, no, I'm right. Yep. And you're not right. You wrong and I'm right.

SPEAKER_00 8:15

That's what it makes. Well, we know we're not, we don't have no jury. We we're not the judge. Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 8:22

When it's up to God.

SPEAKER_00 8:23

When it's up to God. So it's like, okay, even in, even when somebody has offended or sinned against you, we still can't say, like how you're saying that's a good example. We do feel like, no, you need to be punished. Or you need to get yours.

SPEAKER_01 8:38

Because I definitely felt that with my father. Like, you don't need to talk to me, like what you're going through, I could say you deserve all of that, you know.

SPEAKER_00 8:49

No, my no.

SPEAKER_01 8:51

That's why it's like I don't with talking to him, I don't understand what you like. You I don't understand what you see that it feels like, you know, I don't deserve this. What you don't, right? If you ask for forgiveness, you know, from the Lord. But at the same time, it's like, um, based on your actions, yeah, it's like you do deserve it. But at the same time, because I forgave you, it's like, no, I don't want you to go through that or those problems, you know.

SPEAKER_00 9:17

And that's how you know that forgiveness resides. All right, let's see. Um, forgiveness.

SPEAKER_01 9:25

So, what types, do you know the types of forgiveness?

SPEAKER_00 9:28

The different types. I know there is definitely a self-forgiveness. I would always start with oneself. Um there is what else? Relationship, your your forgiveness

Forgive Quickly Or Grow Sick

SPEAKER_00 9:40

is interpersonal relationship.

SPEAKER_01 9:42

So with one another, that would be like me and my father. Personal would be me and self. And then I say repenting toward you and God. Where it's like forgiveness to go into the Lord about something. And we should repent every day, repent, repent, repent. Oh, every day. You sound like you're not repenting every day.

SPEAKER_00 10:02

That means Okay, John. John, about that. Yeah, you're right, you're right.

SPEAKER_01 10:12

That's an everyday thing, repentance, and to know that will God still love us like the child. We coming back together.

SPEAKER_00 10:18

We coming back because who are we to say that we we shouldn't forgive when he forgives us all the time? Every hour. What? Yeah without sin cast the first stone.

SPEAKER_01 10:31

No, for real. Okay. All right. So, what challenges do you face? You would say you face more so, what challenges do you face more so on self-forgiveness?

SPEAKER_00 10:43

So with my uh with self-forgiveness, I would say my challenges would be to not allow my past to become a broken record in my mind. Because a lot of times I have, I feel like I have more years behind me than in front of me. But who's to say? You feel like you have more years behind you? Yeah. Oh, okay. Than in front of me. So it's like all the hiccups, the mistakes, you know, or the traumas or my situations that I've gone through. I have

Forgiveness Is Not Reconciliation

SPEAKER_00 11:18

all of these issues and concerns, and it feels like sometimes, whoa, this is so much. Instead of how God, He takes all of that and He what they say white the slate clean. It's now learning how to become like God and just say, you know what? Help me not to remember this, which is your past. So that's why it's behind you. You have to always cast down those thoughts, those imaginations.

SPEAKER_01 11:47

What helps too is the renewing of the mind. Definitely. So renew your mind daily. Every time those thoughts come up, cast them down, renew your mind.

SPEAKER_00 11:57

Yep. You know, so it's a challenge to go back and say, dang, why did I do that? Like, don't stop, don't do that. You have to realize it's not good to keep allowing old mindsets or allowing old triggers to set you off. Because one day it can be a good day, you moving forward, and then here comes a bad day, a bad day or a bad memory that pops up, boop-booop, cast it down. You know, like it's like just learning how to cast it and then also be kind to yourself. The word of God says that. You know, we have to be kind to one another. He definitely told us to be kind to one another. But before I can be kind to someone else, I have to learn how to be kind to yourself. Because it's funny how a lot of times I can see myself being so kind to the next person or forgiving. I forgive you. You know, and I think it's because I know God forgives me so. God forgives me. That I truly believe, like God, He forgives me, He loves me. So I shouldn't hold that against you, you know? Or I can't keep holding that. I know it's not good. But then do I ever think about I have

Boundaries Over “Forgive And Forget”

SPEAKER_00 13:14

to forgive myself? Yeah. You know, it's like some kind of way it goes from God to that person and I it just bypassed. Hello, you got to forgive yourself. You know, for real. You have to. It's a must because that'll be it'll be a struggle. You don't want you don't want to struggle with it. You just gotta forgive it and keep moving. But that's how the enemy trips us up. He wants us to stay staggered, he wants us to feel shame.

SPEAKER_01 13:41

Because you ain't growing forgiving others and not yourself.

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Right. You you you you're you're you stuck. Yeah. You you're really stuck instead of saying, oh, I forgive them, you think you're growing. Mm-mm. You're not. Shame still there, guilt still there. Um, what is it?

SPEAKER_01 13:59

And with that, that can be any any influence somebody gave you, where it's like, I got influenced by this person, but you never knew them, but they influence you to do something that led to your self-actions, and now you feel shameful. Where it's like, man, I have to forgive myself on that. Yeah. Where it's like, forgive and keep going. Move on.

SPEAKER_00 14:22

Yeah. It says to you gotta face it, let it go, keep moving. Because when you fall down, the I heard the the one, a speaker, he says, if you fall down, make sure you fall down on your back so you can look up and get up.

SPEAKER_01 14:41

You ain't never heard that.

SPEAKER_00 14:43

Girl, okay. Like my auntie said, keep living.

SPEAKER_01 14:47

Who's what speaker said that? Make sure you follow your back. Les Brown, Mr. Les Brown.

Therapy, Faith, And Release

SPEAKER_01 14:55

Make sure you fall on your friend. I would say my challenges for forgiveness would be obviously the one desiring to have justice or um to want punishment for someone. That's a challenging thing of forgiveness. Oh wow.

SPEAKER_00 15:12

Um let's talk about it.

SPEAKER_01 15:14

What punishment about it? Sometimes we we sometimes want punishment. As in, I feel like sometimes even when, say, for instance, somebody killed someone, yeah, where you can easily have, you probably desired life for them. Yeah. And but the thing is, I be thinking like God would forgive them. All they gotta do is pray and ask and give their heart to God and say, God forgive me.

unknown 15:42

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 15:42

And to know that they life can be changed drastically however God wants to change it, where God can give them a whole year for killing somebody and they set free is like forgiveness. Sometimes don't feel like, man, you deserve you don't forget you don't deserve to have mercy when it's not given to you in a situation. But to know that God is merciful is like, yeah, sometimes mercy doesn't feel good. But to love merciful, that's what we have to do, because that's what our father does, you know? Yeah, yeah. And that's what I mean by punishment. Whereas like sometimes you don't deserve to live. To live, to have that, to own that, to be here. To be, yeah.

SPEAKER_00 16:25

But how are you here? Right, right. My child is gone, but you still here. Yeah. You know? That right there. That religious, it hits hard, it hits, it hits at home where you literally want this person dead. They're there. And even so when thing, when people do bad to you, you know, you didn't ask for it. You just an innocent bystander, or the person or

Forgiveness As A Daily Gift

SPEAKER_00 16:53

your best friend, or someone close to you, an innocent bystander, life-taking. This person's still alive walking earth. Yeah. So it's those type of situations that really you really want that person.

SPEAKER_01 17:05

Yep, and it's still like you we we still have to forgive at the end of the day.

SPEAKER_00 17:11

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 17:11

You know, because God forgives everyone daily, hourly, minutes.

SPEAKER_00 17:16

So is do you think it's a time span?

SPEAKER_01 17:20

I would say forgiveness, uh, because to me, uh forgiveness sometimes, obviously, we don't want to forgive right away, you know, logically. But I would say it's best to forgive as quick as possible and then rather hold it in. I would say if you know, if you're intentional about your life, you would forgive and you would be, you would ask God how to forgive. When when you're ready to forgive, because you know, when you hold on to grudges, when you hold on to anger, hold on to shame, yeah, all it does is kill your spirit and eventually trickle down to your flesh. Yeah. So now you're becoming sick because you're not forgiving. So I would say having all of that built inside you is not good for you. So forgive as quick as possible, more quack quick as possible, more than just holding it in. And go to God about it. It's like He He's gonna talk to you about it. Like whatever it is that you're holding that you feel somebody deserves punishment for or you want justice for. Because we want to just we want justice for a lot of things. Like for our life, we want justice, just being African American. Oh, yeah. Or yeah, any race, any national any culture, they got the the communities out there, they want justice. It's like we all want justice.

SPEAKER_00 18:44

We all want fairness. Right, absolutely. I think it's it's it's in us to want fairness, to want justice serve when it's when things aren't aren't happening appropriately. But I know there's somewhere where uh it says that um What in the Bible? Yeah, where when you hold uh when you hold like a hatred or you hold like a you know hatred or resentment, when you hold this, it brings, it aids your bones. That's pro that's it says that in Proverbs where yeah, like when we tend to hold it, we thinking we're not, and I think sometimes we hold it and we're some we're intentional, we're holding it, and then some we don't even realize we're holding it. But it says whatever it may be, or um it ages us, which means it's weight, yeah, it's a lot of heaviness, you know.

SPEAKER_01 19:44

That's probably why I think I lost weight. Oh I need to keep on forgiving.

SPEAKER_00 19:58

You better say that. No, for real. For real, man. Because that was like about two years ago, a year ago. Yes, okay. Wow, that's true. No, for real. Yeah, yeah, but come on, somebody, but you might be right because it does say it's weight, it's heaviness. So if if it's doing that spiritually, whatever's done is spiritual, you told me that just tonight. It shows physically. On that flesh. On that flesh, yep. So it's it's not good. Like how you saying it's it's better to um, we can't put timing on forgiveness. And forgiveness is not reconciliation, you know. That's one thing. And forgiveness is not um waiting on an apology, neither.

SPEAKER_01 20:48

And that's what, that's one thing I would say I wanted. To know that if I was to be honest, like my dad, he was an alcoholic. So the majority of the time he said anything to me rude, disrespectful, yeah. To know that you would never, I had to understand, like God had to tell me, my, you would never get the the apology you want. For the simple fact he don't even remember what he said. Yeah, facts. So me looking for that apology, like, no, I'm I I want the right apology. I want you to say you sorry for this, this, and this, and this. But to know that Mike, you're not gonna get that because he don't remember that, this, or this. It's like, no, okay, so allow just move on, apologize for what he can. And when he apologized, it wasn't the apology I wanted still to this day, but I accepted it. You accepted it. Why? Because I forgave myself. Yep, that's it. So it's like sometimes we we want that apology so bad. Like you don't remember you did this, yeah. And it's like, you know. And you you just if it makes you even want to be mad more. But it's like you can't because it's like. Once I realized I can't, it's like it made me realize, well, let me just apologize in general. Let me apologize to myself for allowing myself to hold all of that first off.

SPEAKER_00 22:10

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 22:11

Because it wasn't for me to hold it in. So me allowing myself, I forgive you for allowing yourself to be angry at this, allowing yourself to feel this way when you didn't have to, when you could have forgave. Once I realized that, you know, that's when I forgave myself. But I feel like some situations you have to forgive yourself.

SPEAKER_00 22:31

You got to. First. First, definitely. You gotta, you have to forgive yourself, encourage yourself, build yourself up, and keep it moving and just know. And a lot of times, even if it's someone that has offended you and it's time to forgive them, you don't have to. I feel like sometimes it doesn't need, not every situation's because every situation is different. It's not that I have to go back to the offender, because we do it for us. Us. You do it for oneself because it's a gift to you. I will not keep holding on. I will not allow this to keep bothering me, troubling me, weighing me down, holding me up, or stopping me from my blessing. Because they always say that the future is so much brighter. Leave that past in the past, forgive, ask God to help you or show you how to do it. Like how you say it, because a lot of times we don't know how.

SPEAKER_01 23:27

Yeah.

SPEAKER_00 23:27

But we know for a fact, once we realize that we He forgave us, and that's that kind of helps us to say, hey, I'm not perfect. Start looking at yourself. I'm not perfect, but God loves me enough to forgive me. Lord, help me. Teach me, show me how to forgive this person. Because it's hard right now. Facts. Sometimes it just be hard. Today won't be the day. I don't say it that plenty of time. Not today. It's gonna be one day, but it's not gonna be today. Today. Yeah. But then eventually that day comes. Because then you don't feel that. It's like a you don't feel that way.

SPEAKER_01 24:06

Because I forget.

SPEAKER_00 24:07

You're like, hold on.

SPEAKER_01 24:10

What what do you feel like for the people that says forgive but don't forget? How do you feel about that? Like, do you think we should forget? Because God, He forgets all that we sent. I would say for me, yeah, it's like forgive. The forgetting part, yeah, I'm I'm still trying to learn that part. The forget and like because it's not it's not easy for me to forget it. It's not like it's vanished in my mind. Like certain stuff you do, it could be triggering back again. Where's that? Uh-uh. But I think setting the boundaries helps.

SPEAKER_00 24:50

Yeah.

SPEAKER_01 24:50

After I forgive, it helps me not to fall into traps again or feel that um anger at you or hatred towards you to be able to forgive you for anything.

SPEAKER_00 25:04

Yeah, I I see it as when they say forgive and forget, it's more so, it's like forgiving and kind of moving on because to just say you forget, you know, it's like life is wisdom. You know, the more you live, the more you learn. So I can't just forget, you know, what I was taught last year or the year before that. So I think when they saying forget, it's like just release that resentment or release.

SPEAKER_01 25:34

I probably don't bring it up because you know how some people know, because last night you know so-and-so. Yeah, that's where it's like I thought you said you forgave me. No, some people really do that though. Yeah, no, so you'll bring it up. I don't like people like that, needs like that, bring something up. That's probably what it means by that as well. Where it's like, yeah, if you forgave, you're not gonna keep throwing it in my face.

SPEAKER_00 25:56

Yeah, yeah, over and over. Yeah, yeah, because that means you never you never forgave. Yeah, you just did it just. Some people say, Oh, I forgive you, but I ain't gonna forget. That's how they say it too. Oh, oh you can't be in a relationship like that. Um that's another, that's another time.

SPEAKER_01 26:18

That's yeah, that's part two, right? Because the people that do that, it's just self-awareness uh comes with it as well. Being intentional about how you walk your life out with God. And some people don't walk their life out with God. So of course, uh I'm gonna remember. Okay, then remember.

SPEAKER_00 26:37

And then for the ones that say, you know, well, I don't have no relationship with God. I don't know God like that, you know. Sometimes it's just good to have a mentor. Therapist. A therapist, right?

SPEAKER_01 26:50

Get y'all one ASAP. ASAP. Literally ASAP. Get you a therapist. The therapy, I feel like if you're not, I feel like if you're not gonna walk your life with Christ, at least get you a therapist. Yeah. Because it's like you at least have somebody to speak wisdom into you. Because it's like fearing God, I I learned notice the more that I fear God, the more wisdom comes to me. Whereas like, Maya, now you can't, now that you know that, you can't go back to doing stuff that you didn't know. Right because it's right there in your face, and God is telling you, God is revealing you. So I think with therapy, therapy teaches you, teaches you a lot of stuff on how to just release. Yeah. And that's all through talking, and when we talk with the Lord, it's literally release. Yeah, releasing.

SPEAKER_00 27:39

Yeah, yeah. And they help you, they give you instructions too, because a lot of times we don't even know how to release. Oh, true. And therapy will they show you, they kind of guide you through it.

SPEAKER_01 27:50

Yeah, your pastor can't. Please get you a therapist. Get you a therapist. Some people think the pastor know everything. Everything. You don't know. You I know, I know, no. The the pastor is the pastor. It's the pastor.

SPEAKER_00 28:08

He he's called the pastor, the sheep. Yes, not the therapist. Not the therapist. No, those are two different titles, two different walks of life. So, yeah, you're right. Absolutely. They have instructions, they went to school for it, they have the knowledge, they have the books, and they have a degree to back it up, or the certifications to back it up. So, yeah, that would be the best gift to give yourself.

SPEAKER_01 28:33

But yeah, that's all for today. Anything else you want to say?

SPEAKER_00 28:37

That's about it. I just want to let you know that forgiveness is a gift. Um, free yourself. When you're free yourself, just know you're you're doing the greater good within oneself and your forgiveness.

SPEAKER_01 28:51

I would say learn the difference between mercy and grace. With forgiveness. Yeah. Because sometimes you're extending your your forgiveness is coming for mercy, or it's coming for grace.

unknown 29:03

Amen.

SPEAKER_01 29:05

So that's all for today, folks. See y'all later. Take care.